Swiping and Ghosting: The Drawbacks of Online Dating
In recent years, dating has undergone a significant transformation, affecting not only our habits but also the dynamics of relationships. Let's explore how these rules have changed in the online space and what new norms have emerged.
Love used to begin with a glance. A stolen smile on the tram, a chance touch in a bookstore. Today, it all depends on a single swipe of our finger - right or left. Dating has transformed, and the rules of emotions have been rewritten. Is it a better opportunity or a trap? Romance or an assembly line? The online space is both an open door and an endless labyrinth. But how do you play the game well in this world? What are the unspoken rules? With the help of psychologists, let's explore the unwritten laws of digital dating.
Dating Has Become Simpler but Also More Risky Online
Online dating has completely reshaped how we form connections these days. There’s potential and adventure - but plenty of disappointment too. We've collected some of the recently emerging rules.
The Pressure of Instant Availability and Replying Immediately
As journalists, we’re expected to respond to inquiries right away, and of course, time is critical when writing an article. But this pattern doesn’t apply to dating. For example, I have a new friend, Petra, whom I met at an event where our shared interests immediately stood out. Things started well - funny messages, cute GIFs - then suddenly a day passed, then two, three… without a word. I ran through every possible scenario: maybe she had an accident? Maybe she lost interest? Eventually, a friend pointed out: she’s human too - don’t chase her; she’s got enough on her plate already.
In the digital world, we’re used to everyone being accessible at any time. But that doesn’t mean we’re obligated to reply to every message immediately. If we don’t get an instant reply, we shouldn’t panic or send pushy messages. It’s important to respect the other person’s time and commitments. However, according to etiquette experts, it’s a good idea to reply within 24 hours to show interest and respect for the other person.
Ghosting or Honesty
There was a couple I introduced to each other. Without revealing their real identities, I have to mention their surnames to explain the clever wordplay they came up with on their first meeting. To protect their privacy, I’ll change their first names. Let's call the girl Caroline Hard and the guy Marc Core. The day I introduced them, the chemistry was instant. That evening, driving toward the city center, Caroline made a suggestive remark with a smile: "We’ll be the hardcore team!" And indeed, their relationship became more intense, they even started discussing a shared future. Then one day, Caroline simply disappeared. No explanation, no goodbye - nothing. It was, indeed, hard. At first, Marc bombarded me to help him find her. Later, he reached out to distant acquaintances, but in vain. She had vanished completely.
One of the negative byproducts of online dating is ghosting - when someone abruptly ends communication without warning.
This can be very painful for the other person, who’s left wondering what went wrong. Was it their fault? Did they do something wrong? They are left alone with their thoughts, making it harder to find closure and move on. In these cases, it's important to remember this is about the other person - they are the ones who can’t handle closing the relationship or confronting the situation and instead choose the coward’s way out. We shouldn’t let it damage our self-esteem. It can help to imagine an explanation that makes letting go easier. It’s not worth staying stuck in these kinds of connections - warns psychologist, who adds that in such cases, it might even be helpful to seek psychological support for processing the experience.
Of course, the best practice is to be honest. If you feel you don’t want to continue dating, communicate it openly. This avoids misunderstandings and respects the other person’s feelings.
The Extent and Safety of Sharing Information
Another couple practically came together before my eyes. During their very first conversation, Dave revealed his workplace, the code to his building, and even the GPS coordinates of his favorite bar to Esther. Esther was baffled: why did he trust her so much? She felt it was too much information all at once. When Dave asked why she wasn’t sharing much about her life, it turned out Esther had a different approach: she preferred discovering a person gradually rather than getting a map of their life right away.
Although the online space makes it easy to share details about our lives, we should be cautious. Don’t reveal personal or sensitive information too early, like your address, workplace, or financial details. First, get to know the other person better, and only share such details once trust has been fully established.
Short-Term or Long-Term Relationships?
Linda and Bart met on a dating app. Their first date was at a rooftop bar, where the guy got nervous because the girl was even more beautiful in person than in her pictures. He was so flustered that he accidentally repeated the same story he had already told her in chat. Linda just laughed and said, "At least now I know it was really you writing and not artificial intelligence!"
Interestingly, studies show that couples who meet online tend to form longer and more satisfying relationships. Research from the University of Chicago found that online couples have lower divorce rates and view their relationships more positively compared to those who met through traditional means.
The Trap of Swipe Culture
I have a friend, Anna, who can scroll through profiles for hours. She pays attention to every detail: if someone isn’t tall enough, has an ordinary job, or writes a boring bio, she swipes on immediately. Even at parties, she’s glued to her phone, not engaging with people in the room. She’s always thinking there’s someone better out there. Then one day, she felt like she had run out of options. First, she panicked, but then she realized maybe she didn’t need to find "the one" but rather someone she could genuinely connect with.
The ease of online dating brings new challenges. With an endless stream of potential matches, many people don’t invest enough effort into building a connection and keep searching for someone better. This phenomenon, captured by the term “swipe culture,” often makes it harder to develop long-term relationships.
Timing the First In-Person Meeting
My friend Tom chatted with Diane for months. Every morning he woke up to her message, and every night she was the last person he talked to. He kept telling me how in love he was and that there was no one like her in the world. But they hadn’t even met yet. When they finally went on their first date to a restaurant, Tom was over the moon. But after the first half-hour, he felt something was off - the chemistry wasn’t there at all. Despite their late-night chats full of humor and enthusiasm, in person, they found no attraction and barely any common ground.
While online communication is a great way to get to know someone, it’s important not to delay an in-person meeting for too long. If there’s mutual interest, it’s best to meet face-to-face as soon as possible to see if a real connection is possible.
There’s so much you can only really learn in person - how they behave with you and others, what they’re like in different situations. For example, if a man expects a woman to travel two hours to meet him, only to give her half an hour of his time between work and hanging out with his friends - that’s not exactly considerate or gentlemanly behavior. Pay attention to the flow of conversation too. Who does most of the talking? What’s being said? Do they show interest in you? There’s a lot you can learn from this - points out the expert, adding that nonverbal cues are something we can only observe in person.
Honesty and Authenticity
Lisa started chatting with a guy online who seemed cheerful and easygoing. His profile pictures showed him confidently posing, and his bio said he loved being the center of attention. But on their first date, the person sitting across from her was completely different - quiet, shy, barely making eye contact. When she asked about it, the guy admitted his profile portrayed a different version of himself. It seemed easier to play a more attractive role online. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t hit it off, and Lisa later told me how misleading first impressions can be.
It’s important to be ourselves - the truth will come out sooner or later anyway. And who wouldn’t want to be loved for who they really are, to be themselves in a relationship? To build a happy partnership, we need to work on self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and confidence. These aren’t just the foundations of a good relationship but also of a good relationship with ourselves - emphasizes the psychologist.
It’s easy to present an idealized or manipulated image online. But in the long run, only authenticity leads to successful relationships. The most important thing is to respect the other person, be honest with them, and remember that even in the digital world, we’re still human - full of feelings and desires. Although online dating opens new doors for us, the foundation of real connections remains personal meetings and honest communication.
